The night that passed

Last night, I couldn't sleep (like every night this past week) and I snapped this photo of myself looking like Yoko Ono.
I feel comfortable enough with you to share it.
It's quite easy, really.
Sleep deprivation and no make-up, all Asians look like this sooner or later.
Too bad it happened so soon, I'm only 27 for God's sake.

Jenny.. Yoko.. Jenny? Yoko?

My last day as a free woman in Stockholm is at its end. It's 4 a.m. and I am about to hop in the shower after a long day. I desperately need to flip my sleeping hours back to normal, that's why the countryside sounds like such a good idea. 10.50 my train leaves tomorrow.

Returned the Zara shoes and feel very pleased with myself. Didn't buy the Canon camera because it was sold out everywhere for that price. I was told it will re-enter but at a higher price so now I am confused. I think I'll just wait for a while..

Relaxed in the sun with my friend Gilla and ice lattes, then we went to organize for her BBQ in her courtyard at Mariatorget.

Malin and new friend Robin. Please note Thomas being a dedicated grillmaster in the background.

We made five (yes, F-I-V-E) buckets of potato salad and everyone brought booze and BBQ stuff. I grilled salmon filets, as fish and seafood is my only vice after being a good vegetarian for almost four whole months. It was all good until Pontus showed me all his good meat. I was very jealous until he dug into it with such enthusiasm he resembled a hungry hyena tearing apart an antilope corpse.

Here Pontus actually used cutlery, for aesthetic reasons I presume

Helen and myself. Note to self; evening mode on camera doesn't work all that well..

Red Stripe was the drink for hyenas this evening. I learned how to open bottles with a lighter.
I feel very MacGyver.

Then we went to our favourite nightspot, Debaser Slussen. Crowded but oh so nice. Luke warm evening breeze, lots of people and my best friend; Apple Caipiroska.

Helen returned after a trip to the bar and announced some heavily dressed Italians looked lost over there and after 10 minutes I had them eating out of my hand. Theoretically that is.
When I say heavily dressed I mean that one actually wore a gilet stuffed with goose feathers and another one wore a fleece jacket. I was in a strappy camisole.
They were amazed at my language knowledge and we're here for a couple of days crammed into a caravan at Långholmen (I know, try to picture six Italians in a rental caravan..).

They wanted advice on where to go tomorrow and when I left I gave one (Matteo) my cell phone number so I could text them name and address to good places.

Now it's 04.28 and I am still convincing him via texts that he really SHOULDN'T come to my place in a cab and it would be a BAD IDEA for me to come and see him right now in Långholmen. Well well.
I love that crazy Mediterranean enthusiasm!

Good night peeps, see you on Sunday.

Oh, forgot. Wore these shoes instead, as the Nine West shoes most likely never will be worn.

White 60's leather pumps with python applications, second-hand

And below are the shoes I will dream of tonight, and probably every night until they are there, on my shoe shelf, for everyone to see.
Alaia, worn beautifully by Carine Roitfeld of French Vogue.
Thanks to Sartorialist.com for these pics!



Now Matteo just texted, again, saying how he will try and get up early and come meet me for coffee before my train leaves for Eskilstuna in six hours.

Drama, every minute, on this blog.
I'm kind of like an American news channel.

I will keep you posted.

Islands and cameras and not going out

Today we went to the archipelago again, Nåttarö this time.

For me it was a walk down memory lane since I have been there plenty of times in my childhood. For you who don't know, I spent all my summers and many (too many) weekends sailing with my parents. Nåttarö is an island outside of Nynäshamn, and consists mainly of sand.

The beach is great and I even went for a dip again!

Panorama of the beach

We brought pasta salad and lots of fruit and spent most of the day sleeping in the sun.
What made it even better was that the sun wasn't out all the time so it was never too hot like sometimes during this past week (can't believe I just wrote that).

Melon time!

On my way home Malin texted wondering if I wanted to go out tonight.
Mixed feelings but I was up for it. Arriving home, showering, eating..
Clothes-crisis, fat-crisis.. Well..
Let's say we didn't go.
We said we'll compensate by having a blast tomorrow night when we have a BBQ and a good-bye thing to Rasmus on our schedule!

Thinking of finally wearing my unused Nine West shoes that Lina brough me from the States. I love them but can never find the right occasion to wear them!


Also contemplating buying a digital camera.
Although my cell is ok and my old one is ok, I'd really really like one for Paris. I have found a Canon Ixus for 1495:- and it's the best camera (and champagne beige as well, really pretty) and the one I'd go for.


On the other hand I really need to save up for Paris and I went for a little walk on the town with Malin yesterday and returned home with a pair of Zara shoes, a cardigan on sale (i.e. non returnable) and a Chanel-inspired jacket from Lindex.
High street shopping but for an equivalent of a Canon camera.
Oh dear.
So I'll return the shoes, that's for sure. Any advice on what to do?
Linda said to wait with the camera for a month and keep the clothes in the meantime.

Huge problems to contemplate in front of the tv tonight. Maybe I'll ask Gilla to take me camera shopping tomorrow.. Yeah.

Then off to my parent's cottage in the countryside outside of Eskilstuna Thursday. Really looking forward to getting away for a bit. If the weather is crappy I'll stay at home, painting my livingroom all white. Yup.

What are you up to?

Smelly

Sometimes when I have my balcony door open this weird weird and disgusting smell enters. At first I thought the guy living here before me had had a cat pissing all over the place but now I think I have an infected house.
We most defenitely have an animal problem.
Seagulls to be precise.

Since I can hear them and see them 24/7 there's no denying they are my closest neighbours.
Since I live on the top floor of my building it's like I'm one of them many times.
I swear, one morning I will wake up understanding their random shrieks and noises! I think I live right beneath their dining place. Or, even worse, their toilet place.

Because it reeks of old fish in here now.

Lazy summer days

After one week of vacation my brain has turned to goo.
All I do is eat (lots), sunbathe (lots) and drink drinks (lots).

After my three day birthday bash I have been laying low and Friday I went to Sandhamn in the Stockholm archipelago with Linda and Maria.
It was the best thing so far this summer.
Beach, sun, bath (yeah, even I went for a dip) and lazy ferry trip.
I never would've thought doing so little could make me so tired!

Next week I'm off to the cottage outside Eskilstuna.
If the weather is as nice as this and with my mother's cooking I will roll all the way home after four sleepy days of doing nothing except drink and eat.
I love this life!

With Linda at Mamas & Tapas

This is what the old people in my neighbourhood do. The Essinge Parish, the sign says.
I couldn't help but laugh when I passed by and saw all the zimmer frames neatly parked outside!

Linda on the ferry to Sandhamn

Maria and I were happy to finally arrive

The little harbour of Sandhamn

The view from the beachside. If you could see across the Baltic you'd see Åland and Finland!

I have a picture like this from Florence 2006.
For me it defines summer, I always look at it during the winter and try and remember the sweet chill of the water against my skin. Summer 2008 then, here it is.

Yesterday in Luxparken below my house Linda and I had the neighbourhood sushi that is extremely good and fresh. I got my moving in pressie (Carin-perfumed candle from By Redo) and my birthday pressie (two photos of NYC taken by Linda and enlarged). I started crying (need I add, of joy?).

Yum!

Forgot to tell you

Go to

http://www.timeout.com/newyork/articles/comedy/37321/charlie-kasov

to see Charlie! He was picked by Time Out New York as Joke of the week! Yay!

I'm so proud of him!

After my heart turned cold again..

..He did write me, a couple of hours ago. Not Fabri Fibra, the other italian man I just gave up hope on.

He wrote me on Facebook, like always. After two weeks of complete silence. The bastard. After saying how he didn't want to lose me a second time. The bastard. He said he was sorry for not writing sooner but he's in a bit of a down period. Yeah, well, it's too late. I can't have people showing up in my life after two years, making a mess and then leaving without a word.

Today is his birthday and all I can do is not congratulate him. It's so hard to play this game. The activity of NOT doing something, like not responding on his message, is harder than to actually just do it. Like quitting smoking. To actively choose not to do something. Gaah.

Silent time..

For the first time in my life I am on paid vacation, starting Monday. Two full weeks of relax. Crazy.

These last two weeks, being responsible for all the childrens' small accessories, have been heavy but I have loved being in charge. I did it, I really did it.

Tonight is Friday night and I worked overtime two hours, went straight home and watched tv and pottered around. Now it's almost 23:00 and I am amazed that I don't have to go to bed now and get up real early tomorrow morning. It feels so sweet.

Have been on the phone with Jonna, planning the menu for Monday's dinner party. We'll go gor an Asian theme but down the wok and stir fry with classic Mojitos. Perfect.

My dear co-workers had all collected some money and threw me a surprise birthday this afternoon. They had bought me a bottle of red wine in a bottle shaped as the Pisa tower, vanilla/ raspberry cheesecake and made a card with Italian bare chested men. It was so sweet, I think they seem to know me pretty well by now.

Will have to go around the city looking for Asian cooking ingredients tomorrow, plus return my beautiful old red phone that I found at a second-hand store. Since my phone company does not support old phones it doesn't work with my land line. Absurd but true.

Monday I turn old. 27. Can't wait to get to 30. God knows where I'll be!

Good night.

For those of you who wonder..

..He hasn't replied yet. Buhu.

And I'm almost drunk on Leva Rosé wine. Alone. Buhu again.

Pick up, I know you're there..

My friend just texted me what supposedly is Fabri Fibra's cell phone number. He was on Mtv and he gave it out and she got on the phone and texted it to me.

Now let's see if he responds. I texted him, inviting him to Stockholm. Why bother playing hard-to-get when all I want is to have him in my bed-NOW.

The worst thing that could happen is probably if Mario, Luigi, Fabio, Marcello, Massimo, Leonardo etc from the Mtv backstage crew calls me from Arlanda tomorrow.. Whatever. At least they're italian.

"..Yes hi, you said I could stop by anytime..?"

Walk tall.. Or baby don't walk at all..

I found a live version for you. Enjoy.

It's filmed off a concert screen in New Jersey in 1999, and the colours are a bit off. Don't think that will bother you much though.

Soulsinging

This song makes me want to cry. I discovered it last night and I can't get enough. Won't get enough.

It makes me want to cry, but if I cry this song will have lost its beauty and it will only be sad.

I didn't know my feelings could be made into notes and sung so beautifully, by anyone. The lyrics may be weird but the arrangement is mindblowing.

In the end it all makes total sense. This is what it's like.

--

Billy he's down by the railroad tracks
Sittin' low in the back seat of his Cadillac
Diamond Jackie, she's so intact
As she falls so softly beneath him
Jackie's heels are stacked
Billy's got cleats on his boots
Together they're gonna boogaloo down Broadway and come back home with the loot
It's midnight in Manhattan, this is no time to get cute
It's a mad dog's promenade
So walk tall or baby don't walk at all

Fish lady, oh fish lady
She baits them tenement walls
She won't take corner boys
They ain't got no money
And they're so easy
I said "Hey, baby
Won't you take my hand
Walk with me down Broadway
Well mama take my arm and move with me down Broadway"
I'm a young man, I talk it real loud
Yeah babe I walk it real proud for you
Ah so shake it away
So shake away your street life
Shake away your city life
Hook up to the train
And hook up to the night train
Hook it up
Hook up to the train
But I know that she won't take the train, no she won't take the train
Oh she won't take the train, no she won't take the train
Oh she won't take the train, no she won't take the train
Oh she won't take the train, no she won't take the train
She's afraid them tracks are gonna slow her down
And when she turns this boy'll be gone
So long, sometimes you just gotta walk on, walk on

Hey vibes man, hey jazz man, play me your serenade
Any deeper blue and you're playin' in your grave
Save your notes, don't spend 'em on the blues boy
Save your notes, don't spend 'em on the darlin' yearlin' sharp boy
Straight for the church note ringin', vibes man sting a trash can
Listen to your junk man
Listen to your junk man
Listen to your junk man
He's singin', he's singin', he's singin'
All dressed up in satin, walkin' past the alley
He's singin', singin', singin', singin'

The agony of aging

My best friend is the best friend ever.

When I was a little sad not to celebrate my birthday in Florence as usual she asked, "what's so great with celebrating in Florence?". "Well" I replied, "for instance we celebrated three nights in a row".
"We can do that here too" she said. "No", I said. "Yes, of course" she said and that's it.
We will now, this year, celebrate my birthday for three nights.
Next Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.
Tuesday will be the big party night since most of us are off Wednesday.
I am already looking a little bit more forward to turning 27.

Today she texted me, asking if I am allergic to almonds (since I am allergic to many nuts).
I think she might be up to something.. Almond cake?
Hmm. We'll see.

Stockholm summer

Outside Philipp's and Kelly's leaving party at Morfar Ginko at Södermalm, this green car crashed in to a parked car. The driver stepped out of the car, put his sunglasses on and started running. Weird. Then the car stood there for like an hour before the police came. I think the bar staff actually called the press instead of the police, the crowd was huge and it was probably good PR. When the poor owner of the black Chevrolet arrived he called the police and then they towed the car.

As far as I know the guy is still running!

Sandra, Philipp and Rasmus

Impatiently awaiting arrival of digital box for my TV. Have signed up for cable and 8 extra channels as Discovery Travel and Food, Rai 2 and Cartoon Networks. Below is my favourite mad scientist, Dexter.


Somwhere in Tantolunden, Södermalm, someone had too many beers and good time on their hands.


Thomas and Jåni at Debaser, last weekend. They borrowed my phone and when I got it back this was on my screen. Very nice.

Heartbroken

So many things can make me sad.

Rinht now it's listening to "Irreplaceable" with Beyoncé. It brings back such memories of Borås (yes, always the same damn town) and a certain boy that we called Pedro. He was the one person that "got away" since I've grown old. He was the love of my adult life. He was everything I thought I'd ever wanted, no more. He was everything I DIDN'T KNOW I wanted. For a while he was all I needed. I breathed this existence, if that makes sense. When he'd been in my bed I never wanted to change sheets. I wanted to inhale him for the rest of my life, that's how in love I was. Or thought I was, since it didn't last.


He moved on and I was alone again. That's where the madness started for me. Not because of him, but after him.

And I hate being so melancholic, I hate it.

I saw my friends today after work and we touched the subject, my melancholy. And then the brain takes off.. Why I'm never happy, I'm always going places.. I just want to find my way home. And I don't know where that is.

Home is where the heart is, as my tattoo symbolizes. Well, my heart is growing colder and colder.

Whenever I feel this way I listen to (I know it's cheesy, don't tell me) The Killers "Read my mind". It makes me remember how badly I want to leave and that there's more to life than this. That I can always take off again. That I'm better than this. That there's more to life than this.

No one seems to understand that my settling down here is a step closer to leaving.

Number mumbo jumbo

This is bloody silly. After hesitating for a month and a half I finally resigned (having seen the amount of my cell phone bill) and applied for a home phone and cable tv.

Tried to register online yesterday (before getting depressed and over-annoyed and cranky and writing suicidal bitter post, see below) and it didn't work out. Four times it didn't work out.

Tried to call this morning. 23 mins waiting. F**k that.

Tried to register online this evening. Same shit.

Tried to call this evening. 7 mins waiting. Ok.

When I finally got through I spoke to the least enthusiastic person ever. He merely replied to my questions and seemed incredibly tired of speaking to charming customers prepared to pay more of their tiny salaries to this multibillion nationwide company. I got pissed off, hung up with a promise that it would be ok and that I'd try again online.

I tried again online, thinking that at least I had surly guy's name in case I'd register wrongly or something. But it worked and I signed up for cable tv and home phone. Cable and 8 extra channels that I could pick myself. So, weird mix of cartoons, fashion, italian and cooking/ travel. Yup. That's just me. Sweet.

After having electronically signed and agreed and feeling lucky and happy I suddenly remebered I have no home phone NUMBER.

So I had to sit for 6 mins in waiting line on support phone, again, since evil nationwide company doesn't mention anything about it on homepage.

When finally there again, guess what. Grouchy guy again. What are the odds.

And he checked for me and, "yes, phone number was included, you get to choose between a few". "No", I said, "I didn't get to choose". "Ah", he said, "your phone number is..." and he gave me the longest, stupidest number ever. It's like a cell phone and it makes no sense at all. Like 08-39850728197643.. You get the picture. And I didn't get to pick it myself, I'd do my best to find the most logical number. So I'm stuck with this silly one.

No one will call me now.

To make myself a little more happy I will go to thrift shops tomorrow after work and try and find old retro ugly phone with horrible ringtone. Dialog they are called, and I want a red, black or white one. Then I will stay in, watching Italian tv (Rai Due, basically Friends and 2½men all dubbed), calling people and cooking after tv-show recipies on Discovery Food & Travel.



Pop over with a good bottle of wine if you please.

The things I hate..

Jag skriver det här på svenska, så att nyfikna ögon inte ska förstå..

Jag HATAR att jag aldrig är lycklig där jag är, utan saknar där jag var eller längtar dit jag ska
Jag HATAR att jag blir otålig och rastlös när jag är ensam
Jag HATAR att jag inte vet vem jag kan ringa när jag inte kan sova
Jag HATAR att jag egentligen tycker om att vara singel men glömmer det titt som tätt
Jag HATAR att så många av mina vänner inte tror att de duger, eller att de mäter sitt värde i mäns uppskattning
Jag HATAR att redan ha åldersnoja trots att jag precis blivit vuxen
Jag HATAR att jag börjar tvivla på mig själv och min kompetens i främmande situationer
Jag HATAR att jag, efter bara två långa Facebook-meddelanden, redan fantiserat ihop ett gemensamt liv för oss två och loggar in flera gånger om dagen för att se om han skrivit
Jag HATAR att köper skor jag inte behöver för mina SL-kortpengar
Jag HATAR att jag fortfarande är ledsen efter Boråstiden (kommer det nånsin kännas bra?) och ledsen för att jag inte kan förlåta er, det måste bli bra snart, det måste
Jag HATAR att jag är tillbaka i Stockholm men fortfarande känner mig ensam
Jag HATAR att jag saknar Florens så det gör ont, varje dag
Jag HATAR att jag slutat drömma på nätterna
Jag HATAR att jag saknar min bästa vän men inte vågar säga det för jag vet inte vad svaret skulle bli
Jag HATAR att ingenting inspirerar mig längre

Late night thoughts

Today I was having coffee with close friends. It was a lazy day in the sun, a bit slow since we were out last night at Ljunggrens and Debaser .
No eventful evening of any sort, just general people spotting and drinking.
Lots of beautiful people out but no one for me.

It bores me, trying to find that perfect one in a bar in midst of a thousand others. Everyone so self occupied and self aware.. Me, of course, one of them, I'm not saying I'm any better. But, I mean, if you do end up with someone, talking the night away, then what? Morning comes and the beauty and excitement from last night fades away. How could we possibly meet "the one" in a crowded bar, alcohol involved, loud music playing? The meat market has never felt so cheap, so close and yet so distant.

When we were sunbathing by the water outside my house Saturday, two guys in their late 20's came and lay down close to us and started chatting with each other.
We couldn't help but overhear their conversation, also because they were talking pretty loudly. One was pretty normal looking and one a little better looking. Number one never really said that much, mostly it was number two doing all the talking. They chatted away about girls and clubs and last night and so on. Then number two said, stating what he apparently thought was an obvious thing;
"It's much better to go for the ugly ones, it's much easier".
I was so provoked, not so much for him being a complete asshole and all, but for how he could live with himself always sleeping with girls he finds ugly? I have a suspicion he has never been in love. So, that also added to my somewhat jaded excitement of meeting someone out in a bar.
It's ugly, the Swedish meat market.

I did meet a couple of french Canadians, they were much fun to talk to. I wish I had been better with my french, it could've been cool to speak some.

Speaking of France, tomorrow Jonna is booking the tickets for Paris! I am thrilled, we'll be away for a long weekend in the end of August and we only want to go to stores, take long walks, eat good food and drink good wine! Since I was there recently and Jonna's been there too, there is no need to go sightseeing and since we're both old ladies we don't look for cool clubs and fancy discos.. It'll be great.

Will go to bed soon. I have spent this Sunday evening on the couch, watching the first season of Californication and doing laundry. Now I have wet laundry drying all over the place and no bed sheets.. Shit. These next two weeks will be heavy since my buyer is off on vacation and I am left alone with all. Thrilled but nervous. Good thing there is no more bus strike, it made my mornings so hectic!

I have to get my head around this whole love thing.
I know so many of my friends are looking actively for it, longing to find The One.
I also want to find The One, settle down and make babies for the rest of my life, but at the same time I am so happy with being on my own, deciding every little thing on my own! Am I the unnormal one?
Should I feel stressed and unhappy and half since I am alone (bullshit, I am surrounded by good people) or should I be satisfied and a little snug since I am satisfied like this? AM I SATISIFIED LIKE THIS? I don't know. The loneliness and the restlessness creeps up on me when I least expect it but I don't suffer from it the way I see so many others do.

I think in time all of that love stuff will come. No stress, just making the best out of these years that supposedly are the best of our lives.
I know I'm a good girl, I know I'll get to that place later in life.
It does work out for the best, and I know that there are happy endings.

When I meet him, I hope I'll just know.

Nighty night.