Change of routines

Sitting here, two steps from your door, hoping you won't appear. On my
way home from a chaotic evening and I'm not in my right mind to see you.

I loathe the fact that we live in the same city. I hate that our roads
entwine. I hate that you stepped on these cobblestones proabably
minutes before I did. I wish I didn't have to walk where you walk, be
where you are, see what you see.

I'm changing cities. I need to get out from under your shadow, need to
find a place where it's all not connected to you. I need a place which
doesn't make me think of you. I'm leaving. So tired of this.

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All I can conclude from my last attempt of meeting someone good, nice, sweet, caring and normal is...
..
..Never, I mean, never, date an architect.
When things go bad the whole city he's working in is a minefield of emotions. Just seeing one of his buildings, or one that reminds you of one he's done, makes you want to quit it all.
Paranoid perhaps, but today they were taunting me. And I felt silly.

It wasn't worth it. Those initial sweet moments that I wanted could last forever, they only make me feel even more stupid, even more silly and they make me question everything.

And now, when I try to get myself back up again he sweeps right in and shits all over what's left of me.

Mostly, I'm disappointed in myself for being so sweeped off my feet.

This one will take time to bounce back from. But I know that once I do, I'll be stronger than before.

Wild hearts..

He has updated his Facebook status for the first time since the end of November- just days before the nightmare began. Two days ago he wrote " Sono l'uomo più fortunato al mondo" which means "I'm the luckiest guy in the world". I wanted to vomit. I know he moved on and that I am just a fading bad memory he'd wish to erase. But still.

When is it enough for two people not to be friends anymore? How much does it need to hurt?

Just waiting for my latest broken heart to heal, just waiting for that day when it will stop hurting, when my heart won't skip a beat when I get a text message. I don't think I was well enough to meet someone new, and especially not ready to have my heart broken a second time.

A friend shared this song with me a couple of days ago. She said she'd thought of me.

I absolutely love it but I can't stop listening to it now.

Bracelets!

Look at these lovely stud bracelets I got the other day! Gold and silver studs and snap buttons! They come in five different colours but I had a hard time finding any as they were almost sold out already!

Only 1,95 Euro, at an H&M Kids' department near you!

Time heals all wounds?

My MacBook Pro needed service so I had to leave him away to the Apple
people. I realize how incredibly addicted I am to it, how my entired
private life is revolving around it. Shows, movies, music, social
life, blogs, inspiration..

Anyways.

My latest fling turned out to be another disappointment. Almost three
weeks without a word have passed and not a day goes by without my
wondering of his whereabouts. In a way this has been more difficult
for me to accept, especially given the fact that we live in the same
city.

I know I am blessed in the sense that I've never had to experience a
broken heart or rejection like this earlier. For being almost 29 years
old I think that is good statistics. Also, the broken heart I did
experience this December was due partially to the fact that we live in
different countries and that the guy panicked. Not a good excuse but
an explanation as good as any (although of course there's more to it
than that).

THIS on the other hand is just plain weird. I refuse to give in to the
common idea that men are idiots, for some reason it doesn't simplify
the rejection itself.

I am tired of being helped back up my feet just to fall flat on my
face again. I need to be able to get back up myself.

I am so tired I want to cry and then sleep for a whole consecutive
month. Heal heart, please heal.

What are you up to?

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Butterflies

I think I can feel them. Or, I can feel them. I just try not to acknowledge their presence, I am so scared I will let go and be all vulnerable again.

I did learn alot from my broken heart experience. I learned that life is too short not to enjoy every word, every look, every smile shared together with someone special. I learned to open up to new experiences and new feelings. This "grown-up-love" is a new feeling to me, I still want the still chaos but I also want something to build on. I learned to put alot of personal crap aside to be with someone although it never worked out. I learned that sad songs mend a broken heart. I learned that with time, all sadness passes. And I think I'm ready now. I think I took whatever positive lessons from this and I can cherish them and use them in my life. I learned that not only will wonderful people enter your life if you let them, but you will also be seen in a different light, be appreciated for something no one else has not yet seen in you. I learned that there is not only one type of person for you. That there is not just one way to walk.

And even though this might not turn out to be anything durable I will always appreciate also this experience. Meeting someone new and realizing small flaws only add to the perfection of that person.

He sees me and I hope he will continue to want to see me, for who I am and for who I can be. The one person I really miss right now, the one person I hope I will go to bed with for many nights to come in my life.

Will keep you posted. For now, this is all I dare to say. And it's already a whole lot..!

Back on my feet

Getting back to life again. I cannot believe only a month has passed
since I was in Florence and got my heart broken into a million little
pieces.

A new year, a new decade, might have been exactly what I needed to put
it all back into place.

One quick try with a certain "restaurant hip hopper" did make me lose
direction briefly. Out of many things it made me realize that his
presence only made me feel more lonely. So I ended it then and there.
Didn't want him wasting his time, I couldn't feel a thing.

But now, perhaps I've met a person who actually has made me make the
past a past, with him I feel new again. Who knows, maybe he'll turn
out to be nothing more than a wonderful rebound, but so be it!

On my way home now, left work early since I feel a fever coming on. I
had a dinner date planned (with this certain person) but I just heard
from him, he's also coming down with something so perhaps we'll be ill
together, just watch a movie or so.

Fingers crossed I'll feel better after a couple of hours of sleep! I
really want to see him!

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